I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
