I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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