oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
