thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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