Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
