I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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