vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
