Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
