I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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