Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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