I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
