You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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