haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize