She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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