the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
