apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
