I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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