We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
