just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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