Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize