Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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