Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
