They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
