In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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