We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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