Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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