I've blown a few things in my day
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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