I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
