I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize