You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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