Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
