smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
