Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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