youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
