i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need to sanitize my soul.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
