how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
