There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
