the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
