I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
