My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
