We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
