I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
