i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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