I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
