look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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