I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize