Jerry, you need to find god
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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