Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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