I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
