The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
