I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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