I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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