tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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