There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
