Just cropdusted the office
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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