its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
