when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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