I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
