Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
