I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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