If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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