Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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