I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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