I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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