my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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