maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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